My lover has a new lover and it isn’t me

Written by danielbelum

On July 30, 2017

Often someone shares with me this situation – me and my significant other have a great relationship and then they met someone new. And that someone is (not me). Now they don’t actually say ‘not me’, but regardless of what they say – the new person is more this, less that, better at, not concerned about, happy to share this, enjoys that thing I hate – the expression is the person is different that me and ‘if my partner likes that, then do they still want me?’

My advice in this situation as is often to to be generous and gracious. But let me back up a moment.

Our unhappiness about this situation comes from resistance. I am resisting the idea that you want things that are different than they are, and the (new thing) is scary because it will lead to change. Now, we don’t really know what kind of change. In one month or six months or even 10 years, what does this look like? We really don’t know.

But, regardless, you can’t change it. You can’t stop it and there isn’t much you do much. Granted, you can say “No, I forbid it”. You can threaten and you can leave them if they continue to do that thing. But forbidding them will at best lead to resentment and is a temporary solution. And other options will likely lead to a price you don’t want to pay.

So do the opposite. Be generous and gracious. Be honest as hell – ‘honey, this is really scary for me, so I hope you’ll make some time to help me as I work through jealousy’ and such. But put yourself in her shoes as well. If you found (something) that you thought might be fulfilling or even just really neat to try, you would want her to support you, right? Not to grudgingly accept it, but to be happy for you.

Now I get it that you might have to fake it till you make it. But when it comes down to it…we can’t control emotions. Theirs, ours. The desire is what it is. Resist the reality and you’ll just be unhappy. The more you resist, the more you will suffer. So take the opposite track, request clear and consistent communication, and express you still want to be considered and respected. That you may have a difficult time and want help. But that you are going to do your best to be supportive and loving. That is what poly is about.

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3 Comments

  1. dawn

    A couple of tools here……’gracious and generous’….and ‘putting yourself in their shoes’, ………when you’d like them to respond to you in a supportive way if you found a new thing that you like, whether a person or a thing. ….. oh….and ‘coming from a place of assistance’

    Reply
  2. Tammy

    Can a Master/Sub be poly one sided? In other words, can the Master have another relationship other than his sub, but forbid her to have a similar type relationship? Is this type of relationship considered poly?

    Reply
    • danielbelum

      Can they? Well, yes, and in the case of a male master, female sub, it even has a name – one penis policy. It isn’t looked at positively by many people. But it would be a form of poly.
      Is it right for you, or fair, or a good idea, or something that I would advise? It is complicated because of the M/s angle, but I would at the least ask him why. And based on his answer, take some quiet time and decide if this is the right relationship for you.

      Reply

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