EA611 – Tools for Jealousy

This week on the Erotic Awakening Podcast, @dananddawn talk about jealousy! How do deal with it, when it is good or bad (or do those words apply), jealousy vs envy, the value of feeling about self growth, helpful partners, and more!

Plus we answer a listener question a year in the past! And spider gags!

AND Hypoxia and impact play!


Find all things Dan & dawn at https://www.eroticawakening.com/

Links to mentioned on show:

Mmm hashtags:

#jealosy #polyamory #impactplay


[0:06] This week on erotic Awakening tools for jealousy last long.
Dan spider keg Spider-Man welcome to erotic Awakening and exploration of all things erotic.
If you are offended by adult topics or prohibited by law we recommend you stop listening right now throughout a quickening podcast is grateful to this point,
Patron Community who received add free Early Access to.
As well as other perks thank you to all of our supporters you actually sent me a spreadsheet on that oh hi Dan hi.
You sent me a spreadsheet on our patrons and I’m like oh I would like to say everybody’s name again wait a minute
we have a lot of patrons and I did listen to another podcast where it seems like on every podcast they list every bodies names but that would be our whole podcast
no I don’t think we have as many patrons as you think I don’t think we have over 100 I think so.
I think we have like 98 so are we just below 100 again if you’re out there listening and you want to help us get to a hundred,
you’ll get a bunch of free ebooks and all kinds of cool shit but in deed and or don’t and still get this podcast as a gift to you and for that matter what we’re going to talk about today.

[1:21] Who are Segway ever
Dawn we are doing a 4 part series about polyamory and in general polyamory but the we did last week we talked about how to know if you’re able to handle the lifestyle of alternative relationship Styles we did and these questions Come To Us by Plump peaches through FetLife I got her her permission to share her name well good
so part two of her questions was Don mmm and it also we’re also going to talk about last lock and spider gags but first
how do you get past the green eye monster IE jealousy how do you get past it hmm that’s a question indeed and it depends how you’re asking it,
right because it’s like a couple different things am I passed the green-eyed monster of jealousy after 20 some years I would have to say mostly
okay but not completely right so we still don’t know what
happening with new people that may come into our lives so I can’t say for a fact that I’m completely over it who knows what will ping me you know I don’t know what’s coming up in the future but.

[2:33] Am I over instances
of jealousy absolutely do I handle it easier now absolutely do I have tools for figuring things out to handle that little ping that happens yeah
absolutely so I just can’t say that it is gone forever it’s a an emotion
so that’s a great context start with is that.
We’re not trying to we’re not approaching this from the idea that we are trying to defeat jealousy we’re trying to learn how to appropriately handle it and to lessen the impact it has on our life.

[3:09] And it just so happens you know like you said.
The things that used to make me jealous don’t make me jealous anymore things that do make me jealous it just doesn’t have the grip anymore
that’s the thing and I don’t want to be really flippant about jealousy at all I mean the book that we wrote the polyamory toolkit with the 25 Tools in it I mean shit the whole reason we
that is because we needed those tools I mean at that.
Getting my jealousy was horrendous so I mean the littlest thing would trip me out and for me A lot of it was based on fear
base you no fear of being abandoned being on my own being rejected you finding someone that you like
better than me because of course you would because I was going through shit and high maintenance and
you know just all this stuff so low self-esteem low confidence you know still trying to figure out who the hell I was and that I could take care of myself if I needed to you know just just all that stuff but II caused some.
Strife with my jealousy let’s let’s play a beginning let’s play a game real quick okay.
And you’re answering for this past weekend this past weekend yes ding ding ding ding ding ding ding okay okay my head on a scale from one to five with one being minimal.

[4:37] 25 being pulling my hair out crying into a Kleenex mmm so each point I’m going to.
Poke you and when I poke you like that you give me a number and we’re talking jealousy not envy correct.
So cool okay get there in a second but let’s get point so over the weekend I spent the entire weekend with cat,
mmm oh how jealous was I won okay fluke at in and we stayed an Airbnb who.
One we went to go see a really cool movie.

[5:13] To we had blue crabs 5 now that’s in the one we had sex.

[5:21] Of one we had sex the second time.

[5:25] 10K my poke spot hurts now which is literally poke all right now same thing answer for dawn of.
Hmm ten years ago okay okay spent the weekend with cat 17.
Had sex multiple times oh yeah eat some of it yeah also what’s crazy I would ya
and I totally I totally set you up for that because I was there 10 years ago hmm dealing with those situations are well.

[6:01] You were jabbing me your husband was gonna how to answer so when dance but.

[6:08] Okay go ahead I want to make sure we cover Envy yeah but the point being that there so the first thing I would want people to take away from this is don’t.
It too attached to how I understand that how jealous you are today is your problem of today but I will absolutely one of the things that I want you to take away from this is that.
You and I have both dealt with it some what we would consider itself is some really extreme jealousy hmm and by applying time and patience and a variety of tools which we’ll go through some tools.

[6:39] It’s.

[6:41] I want to see defeatable like you beat it right completely manageable manageable to the point where you’re answering 11 to 11 right it’s not
even something that is 2 is the movie yet so we went to go see the movie last night by the way.
The movie it was everything everywhere all at once
yeah something like that so good really good movie and then you made me watch The Goonies I did because someone that starred in The Goonies was also in that movie last night so I just thought it was cool so let me let me just Andy
jealousy and envy so I had to ask make that stipulation because I wasn’t jealous at all.
But you know I I made plans for my weekend I was a little frustrated with how my plans went you know they weren’t they didn’t live up to my expectations which happens sometimes but that’s its whole different thing as 4.

[7:40] Dan flying in cat and stuff you know it’s all his own money not,
our household money so I don’t even have that to worry about you know our allowances we get to do what we want to with it.
So I didn’t have any of that going on Envy yes because you were near the ocean.
Right you were near the naval base if you had wanted to go near the naval base and see the big ships and stuff like that so you were good near things that I would like to have done with you
not just go on my own and do them so that’s where the jealousy comes in the jealousy if I didn’t feel.
So stable.

[8:24] In our relationship or even with myself I have to really look at that you know my my confidence came into play when I had more confidence in myself.
Mmm not just our relationship it’s in myself I had more self-esteem more self-confidence more all that stuff and that’s when the jealousy started to roll away.
But Envy I had Envy over the seafood that you guys went to have right but I could have had that here if I’d a wanted to I just don’t like to do that on my own I know how much you like seafood so when I do Seafood we do Seafood
sort of thing right.
Yeah so things like so so in the yes I would have liked to have done that but it wasn’t those huge jealousy feelings right sorry no no you’re fine I cut you off I think that’s a significant part of it is that.
I think it’s telling that when we wrote the polyamory toolkit to number one is knowing yourself it’s about yourself it’s about exactly know why yeah yeah about that self-confidence and understanding why you’re doing this stuff.

[9:32] You know there’s a lot of things you could do along the way part of it is to recognize what’s jealousy in what’s Envy what you were just talking about right hmm.

[9:44] And part of it is how you you know part of it is simply learning what works for you right and I hate you know we’re really not trying to pitch.
The polyamory toolkit but we wrote the book for a reason reason yeah for this reason right so one of the things we talked about in there is how do you.
Manage jealousy and and that it’s different for everybody so being around other poly people.
Keeping a journal learning mantras write all that kind of stuff.
It’s very valuable for dealing with jealousy but part of it is what kind of partner.
You know if you’re jealous then it assumes that you have a partner that’s doing things what kind of partner is your partner is your partner a partner in this partnership
he says partner too many times that they are going to work from a place of assistance that they’re willing to help you with your jealousy without changing their actions right and that was certainly one of the big ones for us is that for me to learn
that it’s okay to help you.

[10:45] With your jealousy not solve it for you right but be there to listen and be part of.
That without taking ownership of it or without changing my plans so that you don’t have to feel jealousy right now that’s the trick
not changing your plans so that I don’t have to feel jealousy I mean you can still change your
our plans if you think oh wait a minute maybe I took things just a little bit too fast right because you’re in in re or something like that so you might modify for that reason but not so that
don’t feel jealousy that’s that we found out the hard way that that is not the way to go because we kept getting stuck at the same hurdle
every time I felt jealous you would stop doing what you were doing but your Polly you’re not going.
Continue to stop doing what you’re doing right so we’re Polly this is what we do so some things I wanted to point out something and then give another tool that was really beneficial to me.

[11:46] Usually when people think about Polly and they think about jealousy.
Usually these people are like oh your poly so you don’t feel jealous right and I just I’ll bust out laughing because not only do I feel jealous sometimes but sometimes exponentially so because I have more partners.
To feel jealous about and more opportunities to feel jealous as they start dating new people and things like that or I’ll go on to a Facebook group and oh my goodness they’re like oh if you feel jealous then you’re not Polly.
Bullshit right I just jealousy is an emotion it’s what you do
do with it and for me jealousy usually tells me that there is something I have to work
one on myself so I have to journal about it I have to look at it I have to look at the pit of my stomach where my feelings all
clogged up and try to figure out what’s going on and why I feel jealous right.
So I had a really good lesson from Big D’s wife.

[12:53] And this is one of those tools that I wish and I’ve said this a lot as we talked about Polly this is one of those tools I wish I had learned.
Way at the beginning but even if I learned it I probably wouldn’t have heard it right these tools tend to come along as we need them or we build them as we need them but this one was from Big D’s wife.
And we told her so it was our anniversary or something mine in Big D’s and we told her that we were going to go on a vacation and we told her we’re and things like that and she was so excited for us,
she was happy that we had picked a place that you know was going to be cool for both of us she expressed she was a little envious because it’s some place that she had wanted to go,
and she would just make sure to do it later but she was really happy for us and I could see that her happiness made Big D happy
and it struck me that that is probably what you Dan had needed from me.

[13:50] When you expressed things to me instead of expressing things to me and me having the reaction and now shit it’s work right so then that makes it hard for you want to,
hard for you to want to express things to me because you knew it was going to involve work so I saw Big Dee’s wife.
Respond like this and I’m like wow how awesome for him that he’s got a partner that responds like this and.
I really wish I had been that partner for you to respond like that so now when Dan tells me things if I get a ping.

[14:27] I look at that and go you know.
If I had told Dan that I was going to fly in Big D to Virginia Beach and we were going to stay on the beach for a weekend I’d want him to be happy for me.
So that’s what I try to do in turn to you and sometimes it’s easy,
right so that’s how this weekend kind of went it’s like you told me what was going to go on and before the Ping happened you know before I had that emotional reaction my brain is already in the mode of how cool for you.

[15:02] You know you get to see your partner you’ve got the money to fly them in and you guys get to do some cool things together and.
That helps them deal with us being in an RV yeah you know.

[15:18] We are in this isn’t the official Segway.

[15:23] As a matter fact this isn’t even a Segway at all okay we are in Cleveland in a couple of months we will be teaching a class called 16 Poly tools.

[15:33] Going through a variety of strategies to approach jealousy and what are the challenges one of the interesting bits that is that there is no one.
Particular path that will get you through jealousy what room can do though is find people that have gone.
You know that seem to have some handle on jealousy and ask them what work for them right they probably they may have,
use some of the tools and polyamory toolkit but they may have these other tools as well right surrounding yourself with those positive people that are going to uplift you and that are going to say yes,
jealousy is hard here’s what I did you do and you can do it right that’s going to be super valuable as well and part of it I think for me is recognizing.
That you know people get into the debates that jealousy is good bad or it’s just an emotion.

[16:28] I believe that a lot of it for me is that jealousy is a taut
the motion it’s mmm I’ve been taught that I’m supposed to feel Paula I’m supposed to feel jealous hmm and recognizing that and taking a little bit of control over it the other part for me.

[16:45] Is to recognize.

[16:48] For me most of the time jealousy is a cover for fear hmm so when I feel jealous I will answer ask myself what am I afraid of what am I afraid is the outcome that is going to happen.
And then I can now that I’ve got something a little more specific to go after right I can go after that specific thing.
You no way maybe I’m afraid that you’re going to not want to have sex with me anymore because the new,
boyfriend or girlfriend is better in bed or maybe I’m afraid that
you’ll find me boring because they’re more whatever it is right but that gives me the opportunity now against actually start digging on that what is that what is the cause of that fear you know the big thing for me is to get away from jealousy being.
Something that the other person does that causes me to feel jealous right.
As an indicator instead jealousy is an indicator of an area in my life that I need to look at and examine right.
Because it’s one thing to feel.

[17:53] That you are doing your partner is doing something unacceptable right to you something that goes against either your ethics or your boundaries or your value system
and to respond to that but sometimes I’ll instead I’ll think.
In a response of jealousy that they shouldn’t be doing a thing because it makes me jealous and if they and therefore it is a wrong thing that they’re doing when the reality is they’re not doing something that’s wrong they’re doing something.
That makes you feel uncomfortable yeah.
And even that language right you’re making me feel right even that language but let’s not get too deep into that too but to recognize if you do this,
I find myself feeling this way let me look at me feeling this way.
And is it something I need to change is in a way that I want to respond when you do this thing and there’s a great look at it right part of it is that if you go off.

[18:59] And let’s say you meet somebody.

[19:03] And you drive an hour and meet them at a hotel and screw them and you’re building a relationship with them or you’re just building a relationship and there is no sex,
I want to be able to I know how I want to respond to this this goes back to that why we do polyamory I want to respond to that by either being.
Neutral or by Joy.
Or by being turned on to be honest right and those were what feel like the authentic responses to me so.

[19:33] When that thing happens and I feel something else it says well that feels like an illusion of what I’m feeling versus the authentic feeling that feels like.
What I’ve been told I’m supposed to feel so now I’m totally with you on that that whole surround yourself with
people of like mind that are supportive and understand poly I mean I learned that early on I had some friends that,
I knew we were Polly but they were not and when you would go out with your newest partner I would I learned that being by myself was a No-No right so you know I just sit there and cry.
So I learn to go out with people well if I went out with my monogamous friends and said you know I’m having these jealousy issues their response was of course you are your husband is out dating somebody else.
and what I needed to do and what I learned to do later was to surround myself with Polly friends that were like you know I’ve been through that jealousy myself so it gets better it’s okay you know here here’s some tools that you can use Journal about it or you know
blah blah blah so I learned early I want to surround myself with positive.
Polly people right positive Polly people that do Polly.

[20:50] The way I do poly so if I since I am a hierarchical polyamorous person it would not behoove me to surround myself with a relationship anarchist,
not that they’re wrong by any stretch of the imagination helps some people think I do polyamory wrong and but you want like-minded poly people.
So that you know you have someone to talk to and then you were talking about the taught emotion.
Oh absolutely right high school I had a boyfriend that was dating other people because we lived in different counties and therefore went to different high schools,
perfect sense to me 16 years old you don’t need to be locked down to one person for one and then not be able to go to dances and stuff because you’re
girlfriends two counties away so it made sense to me until my friends told me that he had talked me into behaving that way and becoming a doormat,
blah blah blah so yeah talk talk jealousy and then after having the monogamous friend say of course I’m supposed to be jealous.

[21:58] Yeah I really had to look at that one when I would be jealous with you to see if it was real jealousy or how I thought I was supposed to be feeling.
And then you have one last comment on our jealousy oh yeah yeah so the other last comment that I wrote down real quick so I wouldn’t forget was that
even if I think are mine and your relationship mine and Big D’s relationship all of that is built on honesty and trust and transparency and vulnerability and you know speaking the hard stuff to speak
can things like that so that we grow as people right and so when I come home from a date.
I asked you so what would you like to hear if you want to hear about what happened when you come back from your cat weekend you know you’re like.
We do a rundown I don’t get specific details it’s none of my business what you guys do in the bedroom and stuff right but it’s like so hey did you go to dinner hey did you go to the movies you know or you might say so do you want to hear what I did.
Over the weekend and I’ll give you I’ll give you the rundown you know we went to have blue crabs we went to this movie and stuff like that so what I don’t like is if you think I’m going to get jealous and therefore you don’t tell me things.
Right I don’t want to think you’re going to get jealous and therefore I’m going to keep secrets to protect you hmm that just goes bad really fast.

[23:22] So

[23:24] Anyway there’s are 21 years of experience doing poly and jealousy police at least a piece of it that piece of it absolutely Don.
If you would like to know more about how to deal with jealousy and all kinds of interesting things this is your last chance to come see us in Troy New York on April 15 to 17.

[23:46] That’s this weekend coming up depending on when you’re listening to this we are going to be teaching so much stuff we got like seven classes that we’re going to be teaching this weekend so I would get your ticket now if they have any left,
keep up with all of our events our book news which we do have booked news by the way and a newsletter will be going out tonight or tomorrow so we have,
book news and discounts and more on the erotic Awakening newsletter.

[24:14] So get your ETA shout out like Aloha from New Zealand
the Lisa from Missouri sparkles from Ohio and we will be in Ohio but that’s in the future hmm So speaking of time travel
yes wait how do they get their shout out oh yeah head over to erotic Awakening.com And subscribe today.
Speaking of time travel yes so we have a group on our Discord called As You Wish mmm in post to that and it’s for patrons
and we will immediately do our as soon as possible do whatever topic you would like to hear about for teach a class about it so,
we are so good at it though minotaurs recently wrote and said hey I want to hear a show about non-monogamy when you are ready to move in.
With additional partners.
And how do you make that decision and what happened needs to happen and how the challenges and all that fortunately first peachy pointed out that we actually did that episode just about a year ago that CA 531 moving in polyamory.

[25:25] So some we are serving our patrons in the future or the past absolutely forget.
How that works but we did it it’s already out there some minotaurs we knew you were going to ask that question and peachy another Patron did.
Answer the question for the didn’t answer the question they don’t hurt me yep so a year ago Don speaking of things that are happening in the future the hearts and caller book our power exchange.
Which I’m super super excited about this yes about it will be coming out in probably about we’re going to
guess about another month and a half maybe two right so we’re our goal is June and the editor was is on time and just sent us the edited copy yesterday of course that’s the first edit right I still have to go through it I like to go through it and
to changes and you know and let them rearrange some things or not.
I’m a little picky I don’t take all changes but if you would like to get that,
a carton colors in the near future instead of our future in that is to say to get it before anybody else you can hit over to hearts and college.com and,
donate to our Indiegogo and immediately not immediately and Bill you first get a copy of the book.

[26:49] Exactly yeah so and that money goes the money that we’re raising that goes to pay for the editor and the cover art and all that type of stuff the first printing and so just there’s so much cost involved but
but we’re getting there but we’re getting there and and
I hate to throw this out there but I’m going to say it regardless of how much is done on Indiegogo the book is coming out yeah yeah so we will we will pay out of pocket we are super excited and put a lot of work into that book so
yeah we definitely want to see it born we have our three fetishes to get into but first recently.
I don’t recall where I think it was one of the finishes we were talking about spider gags I think so yeah have you seen your spy seen a spider gag now yes because someone sent it or to us on Discord so I have now seen it
yeah so spider gag is a gag that keeps your mouth open hmm and it’s got
it’s for like prongs that maybe crossed your cheek.

[27:52] Outside your cheek it’s not a problem stab your anything good didn’t certain moments but.
Yeah I guess they could but thank you tool is for turning us on to spider gags awesome awesome so.
Ready for our three fetishes we are and actually you put them in this time so other than the first one I don’t know what they are okay so pick one two or three.

[28:20] To hypoxia.
Which is a fetish for being submerged under water to restrict breathing a type of erotic asphyxiation.

[28:33] Never thought about it never heard of it never masturbated to it don’t think I’ll be starting any time soon
yeah so that’s kind of funny because that this came up on the list because I was just looking on someone’s profile today on Fete and I was surprised that came across to my feed because something had happened to them where
shouldn’t be coming across my feet right and the first picture I saw in there was them being held under water and it was actually really cool because the boobs were floating to the top it was very artsy picture but no my
Maya what is that called claustrophobia started kicking in.
I love the water but I have a fear of drowning so I do not want to be held under the water I actually have a problem with putting my face in the shower water,
I don’t like my face wet anymore which is a shame because I like to swim it just means I’m not putting my face in the water let alone be held underwater that would totally freak me out I don’t know that I could ever do waterboarding.
Some people have a kink for waterboarding and I
don’t think I could ever do that I think I think I’d have a heart attack which is not what someone’s going for right so no no hypoxia is not mine I mean I could see where people would get a thrill from it like any fetish any Kink right.

[29:55] Yeah I’m not there either yeah how do you feel about hypnosis hypnotism I’m not one for hypnotism either so and.

[30:06] At the beginning of you and I starting our Kink Journey we met some people that were into hypnotism and I just.
Now now it’s not my thing,
you know we’ve talked to on the podcast about hypnotism before and there’s a huge Community for it right
I mean there’s a huge hypnosis community and groups and things like that but are you scrolling through Hypno groups know I’m scrolling through Troy New York.
Lock the event that we’re getting ready to do yeah okay if there’s any tickets left that I was good we will squeeze you and folks if you want to go yeah I’m just not.
We’ve talked about hypnotism on the podcast it’s just not a thing that I can wrap my head around that you can do.

[30:56] That word you were getting ready say it to weren’t ya and I we I know plenty of people that do it and it’s not an issue.
But it’s feels like I have difficulties understanding that the consent aspect of hypnotism hmm.
So maybe it’s time to do another show on that so we can probably track Italy so if we’re stuttering that much over it and it’s and maybe it is time to do the show again so but that is that’s my thing when I do my Kinks I don’t even like
to like renegotiate in the middle of a scene because I consider that under the influence of endorphins right so I don’t.

[31:39] Do the hypnotism thing I want to make sure that everything I do.
Is because I want to do it and I know I know I’ve listened to the you know hypnotist that say you would never do anything that you didn’t want to do anyway,
but there may be some things that I want to do and I don’t want to do does that make sense some things that maybe I fantasize about but I really don’t.
To do and would regret it later and I think.
You know I don’t think we’re negatively judging it I think we’re just having difficulty wrapping our head around it so so maybe time for another show,
um and then what’s the last one the last one is impact play Trouble wrapping my head around that one to know I love the impact play isn’t it funny I bet you there are people that have problems with putting their head around that one
and it’s funny because this thing this particular.
Definition includes things that I don’t include an impact I saw that too yep for me impact play is is mainly.
Style of rough well.

[32:43] Or maybe I’m confused thinking rough body play yeah no implant impact play there’s only one thing that they list that I don’t consider impact play but I could see the argument for it whipping
right yeah so impact play the way they have it defined
is any activity involving hitting either with body parts which would be your rough body play or other tools
hitting punching spanking flogging whipping and paddling are just a few forms of impact play and intensity varies with the tool and effort I definitely love the impact play it is something that makes my spank bank I’m with you that whipping I don’t really put in the impact play
category but who cares all of it sounds yummy
let’s do go do it absolutely and you know there’s some people I love impact play so and all kinds punching hitting flogging you know all of the stuff and it’s.

[33:42] Yeah all of it,
and I was going to say something else and all that’s in my head oh spanking so there’s there’s a lot of there’s even groups out there that are specifically about,
spanking that is
all that’s allowed power exchange has not allowed nudity is not allowed it’s just all about the spanking it’s all about the impact is just that is I would have to say that is one of the top Kinks,
I think that is out there I think I think you’re right I would agree with that so that’s our kinks in there you go that’s the show
nothing else nothing else to discuss no no no there’s been a lot of tentacles in our Discord channel so on the Discord Channel like we said there is a patron section and in the patron section there is a not safe for work,
picture section so people have been sending a tentacle pictures that way and just Eric.

[34:37] Two cartoon pics and one is like of a flower tentacle so she’s laying on a flower kind of reminds me of the bondage very comic books I used to collect,
I think I still have some in storage so she’s laying on the flower petals and it’s the stamen I think of the flower
that is fucking her so that’s cool and then another one is like a latex tentacles or at least they’re covered in
latex and then bassano see sent a picture of tentacle dildos so those were cute like rainbow tentacle dildos and some more pics and then minute Aris sent a Cthulhu lemon
did you see that one no it was like a whole collection lemon yeah it was a whole collection of lemons just lemons the fruit the Citrus and then one of the lemons had like it was a mutant.

[35:33] Cthulhu and it had like tentacles growing on the bottom it’s so the top half look like a regular lemon the bottom half to look like tentacles.

[35:41] It was really cool so yeah you’ll be able to scroll back and see that one so that was that was kind of Awesome
fascinating awesome awesome so Instagram been posting a lot on Instagram lately posted a little bit of our weekend find us on Instagram and see the picture of the day.
And we are erotic Awakening feel free to reach out to us we love interacting with you contact us with questions
podcast comments or just to say hi we can be found between FetLife is Dan and Dawn
and we’re erotic Awakening on Instagram use the links from erotic Awakening website for Facebook and Discord and or and or just email us at Dan and Dawn at erotic wakening.com think about is fuck guests
they do some type of podcast Google Play Station Spotfire wherever you know you thought I forgot that part good or just tell your friends.

[36:36] By then.



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