Farming your relationship

Dan says…

In talking with two friends just starting an M/s relationship with each other, I tried to share with
them the need to balance the active process of building the relationship with the passive concept of
simply letting the relationship take its course. Think of it as cultivating the relationship; when you
think of cultivating, think of a farmer.
The farmer tills the soil, seeds it, waters it, and perhaps feeds the crop. Then he keeps an eye on
things, making adjustments as needed. If the crop grows slowly or isn’t coming up “just right,” the
farmer doesn’t flash-burn his farm. He adjusts his thinking and keeps working while at the same
time accepting that the crop won’t always grow the way he’d prefer.
So, once you’ve done what you believe you need to do, step back and let your relationship grow at
its own pace. Learn from your mistakes, and keep moving forward.
As you can probably tell so far, I take power exchange relationships seriously, and they do, indeed,
take a lot of work. They need adjustments and maintenance; like the farmer, you must be willing to

get in there and get your hands dirty. But remember: once you have made a correction, attended to
an issue, or adjusted an aspect of the relationship, it’s time to step back and let it grow.
Believe that you have created a strong foundation; let the clay dry, the cement harden. Have faith
that you have made the right start, a solid start. Stand back and become an observer.
There will be times when everything is fine, times when life may not be great, but it’s definitely
not in chaos. Sometimes we forget that “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We forget that sometimes all
we need to do is stay out of the way.
I’ve found Masters and Doms sometimes have a tendency to jump in and “do something,” when
what needs to be done is…not a damn thing. We sometimes feel that, since we’ve put so much
effort into the relationship, we can’t let our attention stray from it for a single moment. As Masters,
our sense of ownership and—let’s face it—our need for control can sometimes result in our trying
to fix that which is not broken. In fact, by trying to keep everything functioning at 110%, we can
actually push things out of balance. Too much tinkering can cause the exact problems that you’re
trying to avoid.

Sow your seeds, then leave them in peace, allowing their growth to happen. Remember: a power
exchange relationship requires a lot of work, so if it’s moving along at its own pace, take a breath,
and take a break!



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