“I sometimes have a hard time balancing and communicating my needs. I am a strong stubborn, independent woman and also is a submissive. So sometimes I want to lead and do what I want. Other times I want my partner to take charge”
dawn: We’ve been together for 18 years and with our dynamic, I mean I’m very much aware that if you say, no, we’re not doing something, then no, we’re not doing something. You still give me voice most of the time so I can still speak up and say, well I think it’d be a really great idea. And you’ll say we don’t have the time or this or that. Or sometimes I don’t get a reason and it’s just no. And I have to be okay with that. In my head, that’s what I signed on for; if I’m constantly digging in my feet and being stubborn, then that becomes a power struggle. Power struggles is not what I signed up for, so I have to remember that I’m a piece of that power struggle. If I’m struggling with that, then like I said, that kind of blows up our dynamic and then we have to rebuild it and put it back together.
Dan: A lot of that power struggle can be avoided because it’s not necessary and I think one of the things that you’ve done is this idea of recognizing “are you really attached to it?”. If you said I want to go do A, and I say, no, we’re going to go do B, are you able to step back and say, how attached am I to A. Do I really care? Am I going to argue because I don’t want to lose? And that’s the part I think that you’ve given up is this the need to win.
dawn: Yeah, I really think so because like I said before, and anybody that’s read the book Living M/s, I talk about how the previous marriage was a chess game, right? And it was all about who could play the right move so that they one, whatever it was to win and it’s not because it was the best thing for the relationship or the best thing for either person. It was a win-lose situation. And I just really don’t. That’s why power exchange works for me because I don’t want to play that game anymore. Now there are some projects that come up that I really, really want to do and we’ll sit and talk about it, but you still get final choice
Dan: and that’s the because you don’t argue about the little stuff when you do speak up in, um, I don’t want to say we certainly don’t argue about stuff, but when you do, you know, when I use it, I want to do a. and I said, no, we’re going to be, when you do speak up and say wait is really important to me, then that gives me the opportunity to. I still get to make the decision, but I know you’re not speaking up just because I said the opposite. You’re speaking up because something is truly important to you. So I, I have the opportunity to either ignore you and continue on the path or to step back and say, all right, tell me more about b, why is be more important to you? And I can take a look for myself and say, all right, why, why do I care? Why am I attached? Am I, am I attached to drive in the way I want to go just because I am a capital letter type? Or do I actually care one way or the other?
dawn: Especially in a healthy power exchange relationship. And I know that some people will come to me and say, you know, but what about this or that? How do you guys deal with it? And I say Dan’s in charge, Dan makes the decisions and they’re like, but, but, and I’m like, no, there’s really no buts, right? Slave surrenders, you know? And I always stress, of course, I have a voice and you know, I can speak up if I want to, but I’m in the end, we are a power exchange couple. So I again, don’t like the power struggle. So I will speak up. I am independent enough and free-thinking enough to speak up when I need to. But again, like you said, then I have to look at why I have an attachment to that. Right? Is it because I want to win and it’s the opposite of what you’ve said or is it because I want to prove I am woman, hear me roar? Or is it really, really do care. So I mean that it makes life so much simpler. Well, there you go.